I am the queen of crap. My whole life - a load of crap. Everything I try to do - utter crap.
Ok, here's what I'm trying to say. I've met a lot of Christians in my life. They all have completely different personalities from mine. But when I met them, I noticed the love and passion they had for Almighty God, and I wanted that. So instead of seeking after Him, I sought after imitating their mode of worship and how they acted about their love for Him. So my worship to Him about 80% of the time was not real. It was not me. But today, I was challenged. I have been challenged a lot lately. Challenged to be who God made me. And to be real. To be authentically Christina in love with her heavenly FATHER.
And tonight I was grieving. Because I've been sick lately, and I've been focusing more on trying to get better instead of growing closer to God. So I was thinking about areas in my life that I'm unsatisfied with - I don't trust guys. I haven't developed very close friendships with the people I've met at college. Why? The heck if I know. So there I was, sitting in confused anguish. And I opened my Bible and prayed for God to open my eyes. And I found -
"Give the Lord - you heavenly beings - give the Lord glory and strength. Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the SPLENDOR of His holiness. The voice of the Lord is above the waters. The God of glory THUNDERS - the Lord, above vast waters, the voice of the Lord in power, the voice of the Lord in SPLENDOR. The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars, the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon skip like a calf, and Sirion, like a young wild ox. The voice of the Lord hews out FLAMES of fire. The voice of the Lord SHAKES the wilderness of Kadesh. The voice of the Lord makes the deer to calve and strips the forest bare; and in His temple everything says, "Glory!"" (Psalm 29:1-9)
His voice does all this. His power is infinite. And His voice calls my name. He gives me His power over my enemies - His enemies. Wow.
And then - "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple...When You said, ' Seek my face,' my heart said to You, ' Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.' ...Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:4, 8, 14)
That is what I pray I may do all the days of my life. To wait for the Lord. To dwell in His house. To behold His beauty. To meditate in His temple...to inquire in His holy place. To be transformed from the inside out. To show with my life His glory. My spiritual gift is exhortation. I want to use it for Him.
I do. This is my prayer. My plea. My passion. This is my purpose. I want to encourage others. I want to be available to everyone who needs someone to pray with. Because I've been so deep in despair and I've felt so alone in my quest, in my search to find God. I've felt like there was noone willing to pray with me who cared about what I might be going through. Who might not understand what I was going through or who might not want to try to understand.
But I want to know my life is open to God to use however He needs to use me. To lead me wherever I need to be led. And that I will be willing to follow.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)
