January Update on New Year's Resolutions

Below are the New Year's Resolutions I made for 2017.  Let's get a progress update, shall we?


1) Lose another 50 pounds - As of this morning, I have lost 8 pounds this month!  Wheeeee! And last week, I joined Gold's Gym, so hopefully, having to pay $30 a month will help me get my quickly-shrinking butt in gear! ;)

2) Pay off all of our immediate debt - Slowly but surely, this is happening.  We did have about $250 worth of unexpected car expenses come up this month, as well as us make about $200 less than we normally do, but God is providing, and we are trying really hard to be faithful to our budget!

3) Rewrite Ravensboro - So far, I've rewritten the Prologue and the first 2 chapters :)

4) Finish Harkness - I really can't start on this until Ravensboro is done, but I'm in the zone!

5) Journal/Blog more - I've written a few blog posts about the books I've read on my Book List for 2017, but I haven't journaled yet.  I really need to/want to get back in that habit.

6) Find out where I should be career-wise - Honestly, I'm not really sure how to measure this goal, or to even go about this goal, other than keeping my eye out for job openings that appeal to my talents & schooling.  I'm trusting in God to guide me and take care of my needs (which He is completely doing) during this time of dissatisfaction with my current career path.  I know He has a plan for me, and I'm willing to be faithful where I am until He moves me.


What about you?  Did you have any New Year's Resolutions going into 2017?  How are those working out?

Grilling, DC & The Beach

Hello, faithful readers - AKA - Hannah.  Seriously, if you're name isn't Hannah and you read this blog, let me know by commenting, because I feel like I'm writing to an audience of one here ;)

ANYWAY, last week I had a beyond crazy week.  Obviously, Monday was Memorial Day, so my family and Tyler's family had a cookout at my mom's house.  I'm ashamed to say I didn't take any pictures, because my adorable niece, Lauren Priya, was there, and so were my other niece and nephew, Bella and Liam, and it was an awesomely crazy time!  Also, the food was phenomenal and I think I gained 5 lbs eating it all.  You think I'm kidding...but I'm not.  #fattiesunite

Tuesday was the only day last week I actually went to work, because Wednesday-Friday, my boss and I attended a financial conference in Washington DC.  So Tuesday was crazy busy with work, and then Wednesday-Friday was even crazier with the conference.  I went on a tour of DC Thursday afternoon, so I'd say that was the highlight.  (Favorite monuments from the tour - the White House, Washington Monument, and Lincoln Memorial - pictured below.)  Oh, and eating Maryland crabcakes.  Soooo good.  #seriouslyfatties,letsgetthisgoing

I'm so glad I got to see this.  Lincoln is my favorite president.

Cheryl and me in front of the White House! (or in back...all depending on how you look at it)

The Washington Monument (soooo good.)

Friday night I flew home, and Saturday morning, Tyler and I drove to Englewood beach with his family.  We stayed the night and drove home on Sunday afternoon.  Due to the crazy weather, I spent maybe 2 hours on the actual beach. lol

Me & my wonderful hubby at the beach!

So, as you can see, I had a crazy week.  Told ya!  In the midst of all the busyness, working, traveling, and packing and unpacking, I had a chance to meet 5 pretty incredible individuals.

The first individual is Cheryl.  I met her while I was waiting for the shuttle to come pick me up for my tour of DC.  I noticed she was standing by herself, so I quickly befriended her, and we hung out for the whole 4 hour tour.  Luckily, she had her phone and was able to take pictures, because I definitely forgot mine!  She's from the UK (my first friend from there!) and she was the sweetest!

Me & Cheryl after our tour of DC!

The other 4 people I met were 2 couples - the first couple I talked to while we were in the DC airport waiting for the plane to take us home.  The guy was covered in tattoos, and his girlfriend had the more moderate smattering of smaller tattoos (sounds like me and Tyler - though, hopefully, he won't end up COVERED in tattoos).  The next couple I met was on the plane.  It was definitely a God-thing.  I was listening to music on my phone and, sitting in the seat next to the aisle, I was able to see this couple to my right and one row back.  They looked about my age, and they were each reading a book.  The guy was reading a book on worship and the girl was reading one on personalities.  Needless to say, I was intrigued.  So I struck up a conversation.  Turns out they were newly married (less than one year!), and he was a former worship leader in NY who had moved to DC, where his wife was from, in order to serve in ministry there and hopefully find a job in the world of finances.  After a few minutes of getting to know each other, he leaned over and asked me point blank, "Christina, how can we pray for you?"  I was astounded.  That's not really a question I get asked a lot, unless I'm in a Bible study or Sunday School.  I was seriously touched by their kindness and apparent love for the Lord.

All that to say, I had a great week :)  And, on Monday, I got new glasses!  #selfiephotoshoot

This is the first time I've had sunglasses to wear since I got glasses in 11th grade!  Yay!!!!

So, what about you?  Ever been to Washington DC?  What was your favorite landmark?  Who is your favorite president?  Have you ever been asked by a virtual stranger how they can pray for you?

When Songs Bring Tears

Guys,

I don't know if you know this, but I was a big choral nerd in high school.  I kinda still am, I just don't really have an outlet for it any more.  Ever since high school, I've been a huge fan of acapella music, especially when Eric Whitacre is the composer.

Favorite Eric Whitacre song here:

This song is taken from 2 Samuel 18 when David learns of his son Absalom's death.

32 And the king said unto him, "Is the young man Absalom safe?" And he answered, "The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do thee hurt, be as that young man is."
33 And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!"

This song makes me WEEP.  It is so good.  And, of course, I selected the version with sheet music showing because I told you - I'M A NERD LIKE THAT!

Anyway, so Eric Whitacre - I'm a huge fan of his.  And I've never really been able to find another choral composer that can touch his awesomeness.  Until today.

Dan Forrest, y'all.  Just listen to this song.  #Goosebumps

This song is from Ruth 1, when Naomi tells Ruth & Orpah to return to their families after the deaths of Naomi's sons & the women's husbands.  Ruth says:

16 But Ruth said:
“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God. Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”

I love it so much, I've always loved this story, but this song just brings the emotion in these verses TO LIFE.  I just bought it on Amazon - but this version in the video is waaaaay better than the version on Amazon.

I hope you enjoy these songs as much as I do.  What music moves you?  Please share!

What's New, Pussycat, Woah-oo-woah-oo-woah!

If you don't understand the title of my blog post, I feel sorry for you.

If you watched that, then you're welcome.  If you didn't, poo on you.

Anyway, back to me and what's new in my life.  I know, I know, I haven't written a blog post in ages, and I definitely haven't been keeping up with my #30DayChallenges, but I have to say, I did warn you at the beginning, and I'm much better at making plans than keeping them.  Sad, but true.

The first thing I want to say about my life is that I am back on Low Carb, Low Calorie, and I'm determined to lose at least 15 pounds by the end of this year!  I'm calling it my Pre-New Year's Resolution.  I've already lost 5 lbs just by eating less and eating healthier and drinking more water and using this great little APP called My Fitness Pal.  My immediate goal is to lose enough weight to fit back into my wedding dress (and most of my clothes!) - but my long-term goal is to be skinnier and more fit than I have ever been in my adult life, which shouldn't be too hard considering I've never really had a desire to be super fit before.

Okay, on to the next thing.  I need to get serious for a minute.  I don't usually work on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays as many of you know.  So most of the time, I'm at home by myself doing nothing in order to save money.  To be honest, it's been kind of depressing.  I don't make plans to hang out with friends, and more often than not, that just means I stay at home watching Netflix and pretending the people in the shows I'm watching are my friends (kidding, except kinda not).  And when it started, I blamed Tyler.  I blamed him for our financial shortage, I blamed him for not being wild and exciting and interesting and into all the things I'm into - in short, I blamed Tyler for not keeping me content.

And recently, I realized - IT'S NOT ANYONE'S JOB TO KEEP ME CONTENT; CONTENTMENT CAN ONLY COME FROM GOD.  Sorry I just had to All-Caps you guys in the face, but it's true.  Contentment can only come from God.  And guess what?  My prayer life during that time was virtually non-existent and the only time I read the Bible was on Sundays during the preacher's message at church.  It's a wonder I was so depressed and discontent. (sarcasm)

But then, my friend Hannah invited me to a new Bible study the women of Faith Baptist Church were beginning.  The Bible study is centered on 12 women in the Bible, and so far, I am learning SO MUCH from it - it's probably one of the best Bible studies I've ever been a part of.

Then I decided I wanted to try and read the Bible through in a year, because I've tried that a few times, and it never worked out.  However, I've never tried to read the Bible through chronologically.  So I hopped on Amazon.com and did some shopping and found the Reading God's Story: A Chronological Daily Bible.  I ordered it then and there; it arrived on Wednesday, and I'm already a few days in and loving it!

I don't want God's word or my relationship with Him to just be a checklist or a bunch of names and dates on paper, I want my faith to be a living, breathing, full-of-wonder thing.  I want to be the woman of God He created me to be.

So yeah, that's what's new in my life (the most important things anyway).  Also (sidenote), we recently got our Old Towne engagement pictures from Tyler's friend, Sara, so I'll be posting those soon.  Keep your eyes peeled!

#30DayChallenge

Guys, not to brag, but I'm a genius.

That is to say, I'm really good at coming up with these awesome plans for my life that I rarely ever follow up on.  Character flaw?  Maybe.  Okay, yeah, pretty much, but this plan I REALLY want to follow through on.

Let me start back at the beginning.  So I was watching this show on Netflix called "30 Days," and basically every episode, a person from one background/culture/belief system would spend 30 Days immersed in an opposing lifestyle.  The four episodes I watched were: a conservative Christian living with a Muslim family in a majority Muslim town, a conservative Christian veteran living with a homosexual in the Castro district in California, a health-nut mom who binge-drank four times a week to get through to her 19-year-old college-partying daughter, and an atheist living with a non-denominational Christian family.

These episodes really had me thinking.  A lot.  Mostly about how Christianity and today's culture don't mix very well, but also about how Christians don't know how to LOVE their neighbors in truth AND mercy (they're either "loving" them by unmercifully shoving the truth of scripture down their throats or "loving" them by watering down the truth or casting it aside altogether in favor of "tolerance").  So I was like, "Hey, I should create a Bible study centered around all of this and introduce it as a small group at the church I'm currently attending..."  But the more I meditated on that, I realized it would be too much of a commitment for me at this point in my life.

BUT here comes the exciting part.  I was praying all afternoon and evening for God to show me how He wanted the concept of 30 Days to impact and effect change in my life, and He woke me up at 2:00 AM this morning with the answer!

Thus, #30DayChallenge was created.  Physically, my body is a mess.  I've gained a ton of weight and developed some pretty unhealthy habits lately, and I keep getting sick and missing work as a result (not cool at all).  So something needs to be done about that.  Spiritually, I'm incredibly undisciplined.  If I could change any area of my personal spiritual walk and my relationship with my husband, it would be that we would pray together more.  Also, I've felt for a long time now that God has gifted me with the ability to write and a passion for doing so.

ALL of that to say, each month for the next 8 months, I'm taking on a #30DayChallenge to sharpen one of these areas of my life.  I'm pretty excited about all of them.  Take a look:

• May - #ExerciseChallenge (30 min./5 times a week)
• June - #WeightLossChallenge (Exercise + Healthy Eating)
• July - #DrawingChallenge (1 drawing per day - I'm pretty excited about this one)
• August - #GuitarChallenge (Learns 3 chords & 1 song per week - hopefully Tyler will help me on this one)
• September - #LoveMyHubs (Going above and beyond to show Tyler how much I love & appreciate him)
• October - #DevotionalBlog (Writing a total of 20 devotional blog posts - 5 per week)
• November - #NaNoWriMo (Yep, I'm finally going to participate - and hopefully finish writing "Camp Tandy"!)
• December - #PrayerChallenge (30 min./5 times a week)

I'm going to try and write one blog post a week to chronicle my progress, but I can't make any promises.  lol  I'm really excited to see what God shows me through this process, and hopefully I can cultivate some healthy habits that will last me for the rest of my life!

Your prayers and encouragement would be greatly appreciated during these next 8 months, and if God lays a #30DayChallenge on your heart, I encourage you to consider doing it.

So here we go!

LiveJournal Post from March 3, 2007

[This is a good reminder of what led me to counseling in the first place.]

     I am the queen of crap. My whole life - a load of crap. Everything I try to do - utter crap. 

     Ok, here's what I'm trying to say. I've met a lot of Christians in my life. They all have completely different personalities from mine. But when I met them, I noticed the love and passion they had for Almighty God, and I wanted that. So instead of seeking after Him, I sought after imitating their mode of worship and how they acted about their love for Him. So my worship to Him about 80% of the time was not real. It was not me. But today, I was challenged. I have been challenged a lot lately. Challenged to be who God made me. And to be real. To be authentically Christina in love with her heavenly FATHER. 

     And tonight I was grieving. Because I've been sick lately, and I've been focusing more on trying to get better instead of growing closer to God. So I was thinking about areas in my life that I'm unsatisfied with - I don't trust guys. I haven't developed very close friendships with the people I've met at college. Why? The heck if I know. So there I was, sitting in confused anguish. And I opened my Bible and prayed for God to open my eyes. And I found - 

"Give the Lord - you heavenly beings - give the Lord glory and strength. Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the SPLENDOR of His holiness. The voice of the Lord is above the waters. The God of glory THUNDERS - the Lord, above vast waters, the voice of the Lord in power, the voice of the Lord in SPLENDOR. The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars, the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon skip like a calf, and Sirion, like a young wild ox. The voice of the Lord hews out FLAMES of fire. The voice of the Lord SHAKES the wilderness of Kadesh. The voice of the Lord makes the deer to calve and strips the forest bare; and in His temple everything says, "Glory!"" (Psalm 29:1-9)

     His voice does all this. His power is infinite. And His voice calls my name. He gives me His power over my enemies - His enemies. Wow. 

And then - "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple...When You said, ' Seek my face,' my heart said to You, ' Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.' ...Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:4, 8, 14)

     That is what I pray I may do all the days of my life. To wait for the Lord. To dwell in His house. To behold His beauty. To meditate in His temple...to inquire in His holy place. To be transformed from the inside out. To show with my life His glory. My spiritual gift is exhortation. I want to use it for Him. 

     I do. This is my prayer. My plea. My passion. This is my purpose. I want to encourage others. I want to be available to everyone who needs someone to pray with. Because I've been so deep in despair and I've felt so alone in my quest, in my search to find God. I've felt like there was noone willing to pray with me who cared about what I might be going through. Who might not understand what I was going through or who might not want to try to understand. 

     But I want to know my life is open to God to use however He needs to use me. To lead me wherever I need to be led. And that I will be willing to follow. 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)

Quiet Night, Raucous Thoughts

(Originally written as a Note on Facebook on Saturday, October 6, 2012, at 10:39 pm)

My mind is everywhere tonight. I am sitting in a virtual stranger's house, babysitting two extremely beautiful children who are asleep, and I didn't bring a book to read so I'm at odds as to what to do. So, of course, I initially Facebook stalk people. Which led me to my friend Kelly Ann's most recent blog post, which was beautiful to read. And then I thought, "When was the last time I posted a blog?" So I figured I'd write a note that showed my heart and what's been going on inside it lately - hopefully this does just that, and God uses it to, in some way, bring glory to Himself. Because that's what my life should be all about. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

*deep breath*

Okay, so, as many of you who know me already know (haha, are you lost yet?), many of my friends as of late have been getting married or engaged. Which makes sense, because it's about that time in my life where friends will do that; I'm just at that age. But God never cites a specific age for finding THE ONE; it's in His timing, which is vastly different from mine. So anyway, friends getting engaged and married - check. And how do you think this made me feel?....sorry, I mean, how do you think I initially reacted to this? Like a spoiled brat. "God, why can't I get married like everyone else? Why am I still single? Why haven't I found THE ONE yet? WHYYYYYY?!" ...you get the picture. Now that I think back on it, it's kind of embarrassing...

So this was my attitude. And I was getting more and more frustrated with the "LACK" of attention I was receiving from the opposite sex; I was finding everything to blame it on - such as guys being "shallow," other girls being more "aggressive" and "flirty" than I was... dumb stuff. My heart was growing ugly and bitter. So foul.

I went to do my intensive up at Liberty this summer, and God COMPLETELY wrecked my heart and my emotions with the realization that I was being INCREDIBLY SINFUL, PETTY, AND BRATTY. I was SO focused on my discontentment that I was fully missing everything that God was trying to do in my life. Praise God, just like He brought me out of my most recent ungodly relationship, He brought me out of my most recent ungodly nonrelationship. (That may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me.)

When I came back from my intensive, my attitude had totally changed. It was definitely a work of God and not of myself, because it was miraculous. I felt so free and light and amazing. But my flesh and the Enemy had other plans. A few weeks ago, I started to grow discontent once more. I began to desire to settle for right now and satisfy my fleshly longing to be in a relationship rather than continue to serve God and patiently wait.

Sometimes I really despise the word PATIENCE. It is not a fruit of the Spirit that comes naturally to me. Which, when you think about it, is a weird statement to make, because none of the fruits of the Spirit are natural, that's why they come from the Spirit and not ourselves. But I think out of all the things that the Spirit supplies me with, I quench patience the most.

So anyway, I began to get impatient. And grow discontent. And, just like He always does, God used His Word and the Spirit and fellow believers in my life to hold up the mirror and show me my UGLY. Praise God. Even though it's hard...especially in the quiet, lonely times (like right now)...God is good. And He has given me so many defenses against my deceitful heart, my flesh, and the Enemy.

Once again, God focused my gaze on what matters most in life, which is NOT ME BEING HAPPY. That should not be my life goal. God forbid I should EVER forsake all else to pursue my own wants in lieu of what God wants. What matters most in life is that I GLORIFY GOD WITH ALL THAT IS IN ME. That I seek to be conformed to His image. Because His image is the original. Mine is just the copy. And I am but dust. God, fill me with more of You, because I long to respond to You...You won't relent (Praise God!)...great is Thy faithfulness. So many songs are coming to mind right now. I think I will go praise you through music. :)

Spring Cleaning

Today was an amazing day and also a heart-breaking day.

Pastor Osborne delivered two incredible sermons today, but the message he brought tonight (technically, last night) was profound. He used spring cleaning as a metaphor. In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul alluded to the "spring cleaning" Israel had to do by finding all their leaven and removing it from their homes. For those who don't know what leaven is (and I really didn't until tonight), leaven is leftover dough that ferments and can spoil the rest of the dough if used.

So anyway, Pastor Osborne compared that to us and how we need to confess our sins and renew our hearts DAILY. He said that "it is harder to get your life clean than to keep it clean." That is so true. I have experienced it over and over again in my life.

When I don't stay in the word and confess specific sins DAILY to God, I become a hoarder of sin and laziness in my heart. Eventually, there's not even room to walk through the pathways of my heart, because they're so cluttered with meaningless distractions and "small" sins that I've become desensitized to because I haven't confessed them. When I finally become convicted to actually "catch up" and "get back to where I used to be," it's a HUGE struggle to overcome.

D        A        I          L        Y.

That's a word I struggle with, because I'm so undisciplined and lazy. I create plans all the time to get in the Word and spend time with God, but it falls apart after a few days. Every time. And I'm left feeling hopeless and defeated. Every time.

Let me take a break from talking about that really quick and go somewhere else. For the past month and a half, I've been on a "healthy eating plan," "lifestyle change," or "healthy food regimen"...whatever you want to call it. I've been telling myself for the longest time that I need to lose weight, but I finally had to buckle down, decide what foods I could and could not eat, and commit to it. It takes a DAILY (there's that word again!) decision to deny myself bread, pastas, and other high-carb or high-sugar foods and instead choose to eat the foods that are good to my body and not just good to my taste buds. Sometimes I want to cheat. There are days where I eat a cookie...or a piece of bread...or...fill in the blank. But then I envision the end goal once again. I am determined to be at a certain place by December, so I will stick to what I'm doing in order to attain that goal.

Okay, so let's go back to the whole DAILY discipline devotions thing. Same concept, right? I just need to "begin with the end in mind" as it were. Where do I want to be? And how do I get there? Answer: I want to be at His feet, following in His steps, IN HIS WILL. I get there by DAILY deciding to spend time in His Word and talking to Him...confessing my sins.


I never want to get to a place where I can't recognize sin in my life. I never want to be living in sin and moral filth and consider myself to be in a "close and loving relationship with God." I found out something about a missionary in my church tonight that broke my heart. He is being blinded to sin by Satan and his own selfish heart, and he still considers himself to be serving God.

Please Lord...

                                                                                                                                ...change his heart.

And help me find and remove the leaven from mine.

1 Corinthians 5:6-8

RastiLand and God's Land!

So yesterday, Alwina, Elias, Lionel, Julian, and I all went to RastiLand, a theme park about 1 hour from Schieder. It was fun! But it was no Disney World ;) Here are some pictures:

Elias and Julian ^

Lionel on the bumper boats ^

Elias and Julian on the playground ^

Alwina and Lio riding in a go-cart ^

On the wettest ride ever ^

How wet they got ^

How wet I got! Ugh! ^

The boys playing in the rain ^

As you can see ^^ we were perpetually wet the whole day.

Boys being boys on the way home ^

Today was another good day. Last night, I had trouble sleeping, even though I was exhausted when I went to bed. So I got up and spent some time reading God's word and talking to Him. And, once again, God impressed upon me how faithful His love is. Just read this Psalm He showed me to remind me:

"Out of the depths of my despair I call to You, Lord. Lord, listen to my voice; let Your ears be attentive to my cry for help. Lord, if You considered sins, Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness, so that You may be revered. I wait for the Lord; I wait, and put my hope in His word. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning - more than watchmen for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord. For there is faithful love with the Lord, and with Him is redemption in abundace. And He will redeem Israel from all its sins."
-Psalm 130

Isn't that amazing? God is amazing! He has been showing me so much through the Psalms, but the main theme has been His faithful love. A hymn that He has been using in my life lately is "Great is Thy Faithfulness." Especially the second stanza - "Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, sun, moon, and stars in their courses above, join with all nature in manifold witness to Thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love." Today, I went on a mini nature walk and took some pictures of God's beautiful creation. Here are some examples of how this hymn was shown to me in nature:

After I got home from my nature walk, we went to Elvira's house for dinner. Elvira is Wilhelm's sister, and she and her husband, Eduard, have 4 daughters. I had a wonderful time singing and spending time with them, and for dinner, we had PIZZA! It was sooo delicious! The three different kinds of pizza were: tuna (yucko), corn and salami (pretty good!), and ham and pineapple (my absolute favorite!). On our way home, Wilhelm and I got into a discussion about the children and about life. It all started when I asked him if he ever wished his boys could stay the age they are now, because they're just so cute. He said no, because the boys will see "beautiful sights" at each stage in their lives, and he wants to be there to see them experience them all. For example, he said, his parents are retired now. And his father has more time to spend reading God's word and spending time in prayer. So those are his beautiful sights right now. Wilhelm also said sometimes people are so caught up in waiting for the right job, the perfect mate, etc., that they are not content with where God has placed them right now. Which is what God has been showing me lately also. I need to be content with my present situation. I need to open my eyes to the beautiful sights God has for me to see in this period of my life. I'm excited to see what they are <3

More later!

PS: Generic yogurt crummy tastes.

PSS: Hallo! Wie geht's dir?! ...Yeah, that's all I got. I'm getting better though, right?

Fellow ck-er: Seriously. RastiLand - you shoulda been there.

Sunday Morning Worship Time

Outside, it's raining. Inside, it's pouring. :)

I woke up this morning and determined to spend time worshiping God in my own private worship service while the Duecks went to church. After they left, I did my personal devotions in 1 Kings to prepare my heart for the sermon. Then I went onto Faith Baptist's website and listened to the sermon Pastor Osborne preached last Sunday morning on revenge. And wow. God started speaking to me.

The biggest impression He left was when Pastor Osborne was talking about David and Saul in 1 Samuel 24. In that chapter, Saul was in the process of chasing after David to kill him, because he was jealous and paranoid. He stopped in a cave to "relieve himself," and while he was in the process of doing so, David and his men were hiding in the back of the cave. David's men told him, "Hey, David, this is the day the Lord has told you about. He has delivered Saul into your hands to do whatever you desire with him." But David knew better! He knew God had made no such promise to David. So he spared his life. But he went up to Saul and cut off a corner of his robe. Right afterwards, the Holy Spirit had convicted David of his sin in cutting of the corner of Saul's robe. But noone else would have blamed David for doing this thing. Only the Holy Spirit, only God. David was SO SENSITIVE to the Holy Spirit, that he was convicted, even over a little sin that noone else would consider to be sin!

How many times have I done that? How many times have I committed so many "small" sins which are not considered sin by the rest of the world, so I didn't even think twice about it? During my last relationship, many of my "friends" put thoughts into my head of hurting my boyfriend as much as he would thoughtlessly hurt me. They said it was good to teach him a lesson. But it is never our place to teach anyone a lesson! Looking back, I can see the ways in which I sinned against God and my ex-boyfriend by being petty and vengeful.

I pray that God will continually show me my small sins and convict me of them. I want to have a heart like David's, that is extremely sensitive to the Lord's leading. I don't want to have a petty and vengeful attitude towards anyone. I also want to be able to speak God's truth in love and encourage others like Jonathan did with his father and David.

This is my prayer today: to surrender all to the Lord. To put on the mind of Christ. To have a heart like David. To live in the presence of the Lord daily.

"All to Thee, Lord, I surrender,
All to Thee I freely give;
I will ever love and trust You,
In Your presence daily live."

Chasing Sunlight

I wrote this on the plane ride from Chicago to Munich.

How long have I been in the dark?
Fumbling along a path of my own folly,
Groping for some kind of consolation in the shadows.
My knees are bleeding from falling over my own sin,
Thorns and branches tear at my flesh -

I begin to run.

Tears sting my cheeks.
My broken hands reach out in front of me;
They long for Your touch.
Lord, I cannot see.
Where have you gone?

I stumble.

My bleeding feet scream in agony.
Where is the sun?
I've been in the dark for so long,
I can't remember what light and warmth feel like.
Grace seems foreign and undeserved;
We're so far apart,
But I'm the one who left.

I stop. I listen to the silence.

Then I begin to sob,
"Abba Father, Abba Father..." over and over.
I cover my head in shame and despair.

The midnight black engulfing me lightens to a blue;
A beacon of light appears in the distance -
I gasp in wonder.
Can it be?

I wait.

The light grows, stretching and racing to meet me.
A strangled cry of forgotten ecstasy rips from my throat.
I tremble with desire.

A song dances toward me,
Embracing me with its restoration and beauty.
My self-inflicted wounds begin to heal.
All of a sudden, I feel a hand caress my head
Like a father caressing His precious child.

I look up into the Sun.

I am blinded by the Glory I see before me.
"I am not worthy of this," I protest.
"My child, I will never leave you.
Though you chase after other lovers,
I still pursue you. My love is unfailing."

My being is filled with awe.
He delights in me.
He holds my frame.
He will never leave.

"I cannot walk," I admit.
He picks me up and carries me
Into the realm of His light and love.

Wisdom in James

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways."
-James 1:2-8, HCSB

So another thing a man can do to gain wisdom is to ask God for it. DUH! But if you think about it really hard, how many of us actually do ask God for things in the right way. What does that mean? We need to ask God in faith without doubting. If we're just blindly asking without the assurance already in our hearts that God will provide, why should He answer our prayer? And this also implies asking God first without trying in our own strength first. Because if we try to fix a problem or find answers or wisdom on what to do in a situation from our own reason or someone else's advice BEFORE WE SEEK GOD on the matter, what does that say about our faith in Him?
This, I believe, also goes along with the verse in Psalm 111 which tells us the fear of the Lord leads to wisdom. We are to boldly approach the throne with faith IN FEAR and reverence. I feel that many times people (and I include myself in this also) do approach God in prayer boldly, but they misconstrue this boldness into irreverence and bossiness. They try to tell God what they want Him to do for them instead of presenting their requests to Him and then waiting in patient abandon for Him to accomplish His will.

God, help me to submit myself to You in prayer. Reverently. And in fear. I freely admit that I do not have a proper fear of You, and I am often irreverent when I speak to You. Please forgive my prideful attitude. Cleanse my heart of all sense of exalted self. Cast down any idols I have made before You. Help me to seek wisdom above all else. I love You, my Abba.