LiveJournal Post from March 3, 2007

[This is a good reminder of what led me to counseling in the first place.]

     I am the queen of crap. My whole life - a load of crap. Everything I try to do - utter crap. 

     Ok, here's what I'm trying to say. I've met a lot of Christians in my life. They all have completely different personalities from mine. But when I met them, I noticed the love and passion they had for Almighty God, and I wanted that. So instead of seeking after Him, I sought after imitating their mode of worship and how they acted about their love for Him. So my worship to Him about 80% of the time was not real. It was not me. But today, I was challenged. I have been challenged a lot lately. Challenged to be who God made me. And to be real. To be authentically Christina in love with her heavenly FATHER. 

     And tonight I was grieving. Because I've been sick lately, and I've been focusing more on trying to get better instead of growing closer to God. So I was thinking about areas in my life that I'm unsatisfied with - I don't trust guys. I haven't developed very close friendships with the people I've met at college. Why? The heck if I know. So there I was, sitting in confused anguish. And I opened my Bible and prayed for God to open my eyes. And I found - 

"Give the Lord - you heavenly beings - give the Lord glory and strength. Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the SPLENDOR of His holiness. The voice of the Lord is above the waters. The God of glory THUNDERS - the Lord, above vast waters, the voice of the Lord in power, the voice of the Lord in SPLENDOR. The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars, the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon skip like a calf, and Sirion, like a young wild ox. The voice of the Lord hews out FLAMES of fire. The voice of the Lord SHAKES the wilderness of Kadesh. The voice of the Lord makes the deer to calve and strips the forest bare; and in His temple everything says, "Glory!"" (Psalm 29:1-9)

     His voice does all this. His power is infinite. And His voice calls my name. He gives me His power over my enemies - His enemies. Wow. 

And then - "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple...When You said, ' Seek my face,' my heart said to You, ' Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.' ...Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:4, 8, 14)

     That is what I pray I may do all the days of my life. To wait for the Lord. To dwell in His house. To behold His beauty. To meditate in His temple...to inquire in His holy place. To be transformed from the inside out. To show with my life His glory. My spiritual gift is exhortation. I want to use it for Him. 

     I do. This is my prayer. My plea. My passion. This is my purpose. I want to encourage others. I want to be available to everyone who needs someone to pray with. Because I've been so deep in despair and I've felt so alone in my quest, in my search to find God. I've felt like there was noone willing to pray with me who cared about what I might be going through. Who might not understand what I was going through or who might not want to try to understand. 

     But I want to know my life is open to God to use however He needs to use me. To lead me wherever I need to be led. And that I will be willing to follow. 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)

Quiet Night, Raucous Thoughts

(Originally written as a Note on Facebook on Saturday, October 6, 2012, at 10:39 pm)

My mind is everywhere tonight. I am sitting in a virtual stranger's house, babysitting two extremely beautiful children who are asleep, and I didn't bring a book to read so I'm at odds as to what to do. So, of course, I initially Facebook stalk people. Which led me to my friend Kelly Ann's most recent blog post, which was beautiful to read. And then I thought, "When was the last time I posted a blog?" So I figured I'd write a note that showed my heart and what's been going on inside it lately - hopefully this does just that, and God uses it to, in some way, bring glory to Himself. Because that's what my life should be all about. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

*deep breath*

Okay, so, as many of you who know me already know (haha, are you lost yet?), many of my friends as of late have been getting married or engaged. Which makes sense, because it's about that time in my life where friends will do that; I'm just at that age. But God never cites a specific age for finding THE ONE; it's in His timing, which is vastly different from mine. So anyway, friends getting engaged and married - check. And how do you think this made me feel?....sorry, I mean, how do you think I initially reacted to this? Like a spoiled brat. "God, why can't I get married like everyone else? Why am I still single? Why haven't I found THE ONE yet? WHYYYYYY?!" ...you get the picture. Now that I think back on it, it's kind of embarrassing...

So this was my attitude. And I was getting more and more frustrated with the "LACK" of attention I was receiving from the opposite sex; I was finding everything to blame it on - such as guys being "shallow," other girls being more "aggressive" and "flirty" than I was... dumb stuff. My heart was growing ugly and bitter. So foul.

I went to do my intensive up at Liberty this summer, and God COMPLETELY wrecked my heart and my emotions with the realization that I was being INCREDIBLY SINFUL, PETTY, AND BRATTY. I was SO focused on my discontentment that I was fully missing everything that God was trying to do in my life. Praise God, just like He brought me out of my most recent ungodly relationship, He brought me out of my most recent ungodly nonrelationship. (That may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me.)

When I came back from my intensive, my attitude had totally changed. It was definitely a work of God and not of myself, because it was miraculous. I felt so free and light and amazing. But my flesh and the Enemy had other plans. A few weeks ago, I started to grow discontent once more. I began to desire to settle for right now and satisfy my fleshly longing to be in a relationship rather than continue to serve God and patiently wait.

Sometimes I really despise the word PATIENCE. It is not a fruit of the Spirit that comes naturally to me. Which, when you think about it, is a weird statement to make, because none of the fruits of the Spirit are natural, that's why they come from the Spirit and not ourselves. But I think out of all the things that the Spirit supplies me with, I quench patience the most.

So anyway, I began to get impatient. And grow discontent. And, just like He always does, God used His Word and the Spirit and fellow believers in my life to hold up the mirror and show me my UGLY. Praise God. Even though it's hard...especially in the quiet, lonely times (like right now)...God is good. And He has given me so many defenses against my deceitful heart, my flesh, and the Enemy.

Once again, God focused my gaze on what matters most in life, which is NOT ME BEING HAPPY. That should not be my life goal. God forbid I should EVER forsake all else to pursue my own wants in lieu of what God wants. What matters most in life is that I GLORIFY GOD WITH ALL THAT IS IN ME. That I seek to be conformed to His image. Because His image is the original. Mine is just the copy. And I am but dust. God, fill me with more of You, because I long to respond to You...You won't relent (Praise God!)...great is Thy faithfulness. So many songs are coming to mind right now. I think I will go praise you through music. :)

Back to School (Yay?)

I mean, I'm glad to be going back to school again. I'm just not excited about taking out more student loans and having to write papers again - blech.

For those of you who are wondering, I am about to start my Masters program through Liberty University Online. It should take me about 3 - 3 1/2 years to complete. My degree is in Professional Counseling. I just finished registering for classes and filling out my FAFSA online.

The person I talked to on the phone told me to check back in next Wednesday to see if the FAFSA has gone through. Problem is, I will be on a cruise ship in the Bahamas next Wednesday. This cruise could not have come at a more inopportune time, because I also had a possible job interview that was going to be scheduled for next Tuesday, but again, I will not be here. Argh! Obviously, I will enjoy myself on the cruise (all life obligations aside, I CAN'T WAIT!!!!), but I wish it was possible to put life on hold for fun things like cruises. :)

So, as you can see, I currently have a lot going on, even though I'm not really doing anything during the day - contradiction? You be the judge.

Through all of this craziness, I keep reminding myself that God has got me, and He's in control. No matter how disjointed the pieces of my world may seem right now (and believe you me, I wish I could get a sandblaster in here and smooth these pieces down), to God the pieces are falling into place just as He ordained them to. I only pray that I would seek to do His will rather than pursue my own folly. I pray that the decisions I make are His best for me. After that, the only thing to do is sit back and enjoy this roller coaster ride of life He has me going on.

More later!

PS: Get Your Career Tushie (over here)!

PSS: You're busy. I'm busy. But that's no excuse for the lack of Skyping as of late ;)

Fellow ck-er: Why is life so hard?! I miss you :)