Still in James...

"Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, double-minded people! Be miserable and mourn and weep. Your laughter must change to mourning and your joy to sorrow. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you."
-James 4:7-10, HCSB

Wow, it was really hard to pick which verses to focus on. But I'm a simple girl. So if I tried to take the whole chapter in at once, I might go a little skitzo. Anyway, the second half of verse nine really jumped out at me - "your laughter must change to mourning and your joy to sorrow." Now, taken by itself, this verse would seem absurd. Why would God want us to be sad and depressed? But if you look at the verses prior, the answer is given. The NLT translates verses 8 and 9 in this way: "Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy."
We are to yearn to be grieved by our sin. Because if we love the world and are divided between God and the world, we are serving ourselves. Our "joy" is fleeting because we are not getting joy from our heavenly, eternal Father. In order to come close to God and purify ourselves from sin, we must first face sorrow over our sin, because it causes God to sorrow. And what grieves Him must also grieve us.
God, I can think of so many times in the past three years especially when I tried to find joy in earthly things. When I allowed my loyalty to be divided between God and other things. And that's SO EASY to do. Especially at this age. Especially in relationships at this age. Because, let's just be honest, right now, I'm at the age where marriage is a definite possibility. But I cannot let my desire for a husband eclipse my love for my Father. A wise friend reminded me recently that I must content myself in God alone. Easier said than done, but I am not alone in this endeavor. God has equipped me with His word, the Holy Spirit, and fellow Christians to encourage me. Thank you, Lord.

Wisdom in James Pt. 2

"Who is wise and understanding among you? He should show his works by good conduct with wisdom's gentleness. But if you have bitter envy and selfish amibition in your heart, don't brag and lie in defiance of the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy."
-James 3:13-17, HCSB

So heavenly wisdom is contrasted here with earthly wisdom. Those who consider themselves to have inherent wisdom try to brag and defy the truth. But heavenly wisdom is pure, loves peace, is gentle, complies, is merciful, inspires good fruits (works), and is impartial. In the NASB, the quality of "unwavering" is also accredited to heavenly wisdom. I think this says a lot about how we should discern what kind of "wisdom" we are following in our lives. Any kind of wisdom which contradicts the Bible and what it teaches is not true wisdom. We should not listen to wisdom which exalts self or defies the truth. Instead, we should follow wisdom which is pure (undefiled, holy), peaceable (not stirring up strife or drama), gentle (full of love and compassion), compliant (submissive rather than abrasive or rebellious), merciful (rather than unforgiving), impartial (not showing favoritism or hypocrisy), unwavering (grounded steadfast in the truth), and yielding good fruits or works. I don't know about you, but this is definitely something God needs to work with me more on.

Wisdom in James

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways."
-James 1:2-8, HCSB

So another thing a man can do to gain wisdom is to ask God for it. DUH! But if you think about it really hard, how many of us actually do ask God for things in the right way. What does that mean? We need to ask God in faith without doubting. If we're just blindly asking without the assurance already in our hearts that God will provide, why should He answer our prayer? And this also implies asking God first without trying in our own strength first. Because if we try to fix a problem or find answers or wisdom on what to do in a situation from our own reason or someone else's advice BEFORE WE SEEK GOD on the matter, what does that say about our faith in Him?
This, I believe, also goes along with the verse in Psalm 111 which tells us the fear of the Lord leads to wisdom. We are to boldly approach the throne with faith IN FEAR and reverence. I feel that many times people (and I include myself in this also) do approach God in prayer boldly, but they misconstrue this boldness into irreverence and bossiness. They try to tell God what they want Him to do for them instead of presenting their requests to Him and then waiting in patient abandon for Him to accomplish His will.

God, help me to submit myself to You in prayer. Reverently. And in fear. I freely admit that I do not have a proper fear of You, and I am often irreverent when I speak to You. Please forgive my prideful attitude. Cleanse my heart of all sense of exalted self. Cast down any idols I have made before You. Help me to seek wisdom above all else. I love You, my Abba.

Wisdom

Am I wise? Am I discerning? Do I trust my own sense of what Your will is over seeking You for Your will? What is the basis of knowledge and wisdom? How do I attain it?

"The FEAR OF THE LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His instructions have good insight. His praise endures forever."

-Psalm 111:10, HCSB

God, praise You. Bless Your name. Thank you for Your power and sovereignty. To give even a dumb wretch like me wisdom. I am so undeserving. Help me to content myself only in You. To cease my pursuit of fleshly desires. You are the ultimate source of joy in my life. Why am I so quick to forget that?

Wake-Up Call

So I was sleeping. In my room. Like I always do at this time of day. When God woke me up. That's the only way I can think of to explain it, because I'm normally a good sleeper. I can sleep anytime, anywhere, for any amount of time. Anyway, I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep. Because, unfortunately, I'm just selfish enough sometimes to ignore God's attempts to get my attention. But He would not be ignored this time. Two hours passed. I tossed and turned. I tried to think of dreamy things that might make me sleepy. All to no avail. So now here I sit. Waiting for the sun to rise. Listening. And remembering. I remember laying by the lake and listening to ''Hosea'' by Shane & Shane over and over again while He gave me so much joy that tears ran down my cheeks. I remember Italy and the monastery where I saw the most beautiful evidence of God's creation. I remember reveling in the glory of God with Tishia, Kelly, and Hannah. I remember swinging on Tami's porch swing and dreaming about the future. I remember God speaking to me through the morning dew one day when I was walking to volleyball practice. I am so thankful to Him for all He has done for me. For all He has brought me through.
God, I'm so sorry for treating this time in my life like an in-between period. You've given me this time just as you gave me time up at BCF, time at camp, time in a relationship that was not glorifying to You, time at Harrison, time with family, time at Faith Baptist Church, and time with friends. I am lucky to be where I am today. And I pray that You would fill this time in my life with Your presence. With thoughts of You and noone else. With compassion, joy, silence, laughter, praise. And if tears, sadness, grief, anger, noise, or other trials should come along, I ask that I would continue to seek Your face.

"Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendor
You're close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away...
Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face."
(Captivated by Vicky Beeching)

Summer Lovin'

Well, it's summer. And I realize it's been summer now for almost a month and a half, but the summer is just starting to finally creep into my bones...and then I got my seminary extension work in.
Summer over. Boo.
But I am actually left wondering at the place God has brought me from, and this current place God has brought me to. I'm not constantly trying to be happy despite the sin I'm living in. That was two semesters ago and many semesters before that. I'm not trying to find peace and rest amidst emotional turmoil and repeated rejection. That was last semester.
Instead, I'm dwelling in the house of the Lord. Literally everyday. I'm constantly being encouraged by immediate family and God's family. It's a beautiful thing.
Thank you, Lord, for saving me. For bringing me out of my self-made shell of sin. For setting me free from the captivity of fleshly desire. I will never cease to sing Your praises. Amen :-)

Blending

I did not know what else to title this post, because I have yet to really know what I am about to write. It is going to be a lot of random thoughts, and you might not understand them all (or even any), but that is not my problem. =) That being said, here I go.

These past two days, I have done little else but unpack and set up my room. I have gone through - and still have yet to go through - journals, books, and memorabilia from my entire life until this point. Mostly, I am finding things from high school and college. I am not so much of a packrat that I still have things from elementary school - that would be my sister, Sara. Anyway, so I am finding all these things, and I am having to find places for them to fit in my room. I have outgrown a lot of things. Some things, while so important to me at the time of acquisition, have lost their usefulness or value. But mostly I am seeing the way I have evolved and changed in the past four years. It is bittersweet. However, through all of these years, one thing has remained the same - the God I serve.

My relationship with Him has experienced some dry and rocky places as well as oasisses (is that even a word?) and mountaintops. I have learned and experienced many things in the past four years, but one thing is becoming increasingly apparent to me - God has never been so close, tender, or real to me as He is here in this place surrounded by these people. I know God is with me wherever I go; I am not saying He was not with me while I was at school in Graceville. But here in Winter Haven, it seems His voice is so prevalent in my life. It is truly beautiful.

These past two years especially, He has been quiet. Because I was drowning Him out with my selfish behavior. There are no other words to describe my life as of late. But, He is the ultimate Redeemer and Healer. He has brought me low to look nowhere else but up. He has drowned out the voices of selfishness, lust, and debauchery in my life so that now I can hear nothing but His beautiful melody of forgiveness and cleansing. He has torn down my walls of sin and stripped off my blindfold of fleshly desires to see His glory and perfection.

I truly am a woman of unclean lips among a people of unclean lips. (Is. 6) I cannot sit or stand in the presence of God without acknowledging my sinful estate (Lk. 5) and feeling the humiliation of my humanity and life choices. But PRAISE the One who paid MY DEBT, who raised His life (and mine) up from the dead! I will never fully realize or appreciate the sacrifice Christ made for me, because my mind cannot comprehend His untarnished grace, endless mercy, and perfect love.

As I was cleaning my room, I found a song I wrote about six years ago. I wrote it for my friend Kelly, little knowing how much it would speak to my recent situation as well.

Knock Me Down

She's crying, and I hear her dying for new life,
Relief from the torments of a broken heart;
Set her free, Lord, from this harsh captivity,
You said there's nothing we can't handle just as long as we -

Come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my weakest hour has come to me,
My greatest strength is when I get down on my knees.

Does it hurt You, Lord, when we like harlots go astray?
Time and time again we come back, bleeding from the play;
You set us free, Lord, from our self-inflicted shame,
Forgiving us for trampling on Your pure and blameless name -

We come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my filthy vices cripple me,
I am strongest when I get down on my knees.

You knock me down; You fill me up;
You break my heart; In You I trust;
You took my dirt and breathed it to life;
You still my soul e'en through my strife -

I come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And when I feel my independence betray me,
I get stronger just by falling on my knees.

Moving Day!

Well, I'm officially snuggled up in my bed in my room for the first time in...at least 3 months. It feels soooo good! And just in case you missed the memo, my room flooded 2 months ago. A pipe burst in my wall. Good times. So my walls and floor had to be torn up and redone. Everything had to be painted. This past month has been the most nomadic month of my life. But the wait has been totally worth it!
I am now officially home for the summer - to God be the glory!
Now, on to more important things. I had a job interview today, and I will know by Monday whether or not I will get the job. $8 an hour to talk on the phone, basically. And it's scripted. Can't go wrong with that! There's only one drawback - I'll have to work Sundays. Like every Sunday from 1:30-9:30. Yes, be outraged; I know I am. But God knows what He's doing. And if He sees fit to give me this job, I am going to take it with thanks. I am going to allow myself no more than 5 minutes of pouting time each Sunday to detest the fact that I have to work, and then I will get over myself. Sounds fair, right? Right.
Well, my TV's talking to me right now. It's saying, "Christinaaaaaa, you know you want to watch a movie before you go to sleep...get off your computer and pop in a movie..." I just can't argue with this immaculate logic and cunning.
Goodnight, everyone!

Bowling After-Hours

I just went bowling with an incredibly entertaining group of people. I love them all. But I'm pretty sure the lanes were rigged. EVERY time we bowled a strike-worthy ball, there was this one pin on the right side of the lane that REFUSED to go down! It was infuriating! If not for that single rebel pin, our lane of five determined (and very talented) women would have dominated the lane of five lazy and unattractive boys next to us. Okay, so maybe they're not really that unattractive, but they are pretty lazy. Because they're guys - HELLO.
Anyway, so bowling. I bowled pretty decently aside from the fact that my spare success rate was about 1 in 5. GROSS! I think my favorite part of tonight was the mini competitions between people. Some of them were mutual (known by both parties), but some were just plain one-sided. I lost my one-sided competition, but the great part of that is the person whom I was competing against will NEVER KNOW he beat me - muahahahahaha!
Now I'm home watching "Whose Line is It Anyway?" This is a great show. I'm pretty sure besides Will Smith, Wayne Brady is the most attractive black celebrity I have ever seen. Probably because he's funny AND he can sing. Can I get an "amen"? Thank you, ladies out there with good taste.
I actually had a girl friend tell me the other day that I would be perfectly suited for a black man. I would just like to know why she would say that. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that all the cd's I was playing in her car were mixed especially by me and featured nothing but rap music. Or that I knew 80% of the words to the songs. Or that the only kind of dancing I'm good at begins with the word "booty." Or that Will Smith, Wayne Brady, and Denzel Washington make me swoon at times.
But that all means nothing.
Because I also like country music, and I think culturally, that should negate the fact that I like rap. I also know 100% of the words to Shania Twain's music, and I'm a big fan of "white girl dancing." If you don't know what that is, watch "Clueless." OH, and Paul Rudd, Gerard Butler, and Vince Vaughn are the three most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on. You can't get more white than that.
In conclusion, I am random. And if you've read this far, we should be friends. :-)

Past Versus Future...

Alright, so I've made mistakes. We all have. Right now, I feel like my life is one big fat in-between. I'm stuck between the past I want to move on from and the future I'm trying to allow God to shape. But the dilemma is this - what do I take from my past into my future, and what do I leave behind as meaningless folly? God is challenging me. The choices I make now, the changes I implement in my life, could allow for a beautiful life of service to God. I want to be UNlike Lot's wife who turned into a pillar of salt for looking at what had been. I just want to please God.

Tonight in church was an AWEful night of worship. I could not stop thanking God with every beat of my heart and every breath of my body. Communion is a wonderful way to reflect on the SACRIFICE God made for MY life. Inconceivable love! These are just a few of the hymns we sang tonight, so rich and rife with the truth of who God is.

"When I stand in Glory, I will see Your face;
Then I'll sing Your praise FOREVER in that holy place -
Thank you, oh my Father, for giving us Your Son,
And leaving Your Spirit 'til the work on Earth is done!"

"Guilty, vile, and helpless we,
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
Full atonement! Can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"

"See, from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down;
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?"

"Amazing grace, perfect love,
Washing me in a crimson flood -
Flowing down from my wounded King -
This changes everything.
Here I am, save me;
Here I am, change me;
Here I am, mend me;
Here I am,
send me."

"You knew darkness that I might know light;
Wept great tears that mine might be dried..."

How DEEP is the Father's love for US! This truth is fundamentally astounding to me! It is the truth that I REST my HOPE in. It is the LOVE I close my eyes singing to. It is the PURPOSE I build my life around. All else is completely meaningless. So why should I do anything less than wonder at His gift to me? And cast aside all things which hinder me from following Him full-speed. How hard, but how rewarding. He deserves NOTHING less.

Chick Flicks and Half Baked

So I have decided that there are only certain times when watching a chick flick is a good idea. Following are my stipulations:

1. When you are with a friend - It is better to watch a movie where the perfect guy falls for a not-so-perfect girl and rescues her from her imperfect life when you have someone else there. Preferably someone who you can mourn with over the fact that those kind of men don't really exist. And someone who can appreciate the romantic moments and overlook the lack of sophisticated plot. Don't get me wrong, I love chick flicks. Just not when I'm watching them by myself.

2. When you've had a really bad day - This can be connected with woman problems (of the monthly variety) or just when a guy has made you feel like you want to punch every man with a ... well, every man. There's something about seeing a good-looking man with his shirt off who both looks good and is truly sensitive to the needs of a woman that can turn any girl's bad day into a better one.

3. Only when you have Ben & Jerry's Half Baked to accompany it - Enough said. Chocolate makes everything better, and pint-size ice cream makes the world go around, so Half Baked is the perfect marriage of both.

That being said, there are also certain times when a chick flick is a bad idea.

1. When there are guys around - Unless the guy can also be utilized as a shopping buddy, or he owes you one because he picked an action movie the last time you watched a movie together, it is usually not a good idea to make a guy sit through a chick flick. He just won't be able to appreciate the qualities which comprise a truly wonderful romantic comedy.

2. When you're having relationship problems - Going through a rough patch with your boyfriend and having to watch a movie where the guy says all the right things at the right times is not a good combination. This can only make you more unhappy with your current choice of a romantic attachment.

3. If there is no Ben & Jerry's to be had - That is all I can say about this particular point. Although, Sparkling Grape Juice is a wonderful alternative, but only when used in the direst of emergencies.

I'm sure there are more do's and don'ts of watching a chick flick, but I cannot think of them right now. Until later, grab your best friend and some Half Baked, and pop in your favorite romantic comedy - the night is young!

Shakespeare on Love

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

This sonnet is amazing. I don't even know what else to say. Read it. Allow it to wash over you and infiltrate your defenses. It's worth it.