Blending

I did not know what else to title this post, because I have yet to really know what I am about to write. It is going to be a lot of random thoughts, and you might not understand them all (or even any), but that is not my problem. =) That being said, here I go.

These past two days, I have done little else but unpack and set up my room. I have gone through - and still have yet to go through - journals, books, and memorabilia from my entire life until this point. Mostly, I am finding things from high school and college. I am not so much of a packrat that I still have things from elementary school - that would be my sister, Sara. Anyway, so I am finding all these things, and I am having to find places for them to fit in my room. I have outgrown a lot of things. Some things, while so important to me at the time of acquisition, have lost their usefulness or value. But mostly I am seeing the way I have evolved and changed in the past four years. It is bittersweet. However, through all of these years, one thing has remained the same - the God I serve.

My relationship with Him has experienced some dry and rocky places as well as oasisses (is that even a word?) and mountaintops. I have learned and experienced many things in the past four years, but one thing is becoming increasingly apparent to me - God has never been so close, tender, or real to me as He is here in this place surrounded by these people. I know God is with me wherever I go; I am not saying He was not with me while I was at school in Graceville. But here in Winter Haven, it seems His voice is so prevalent in my life. It is truly beautiful.

These past two years especially, He has been quiet. Because I was drowning Him out with my selfish behavior. There are no other words to describe my life as of late. But, He is the ultimate Redeemer and Healer. He has brought me low to look nowhere else but up. He has drowned out the voices of selfishness, lust, and debauchery in my life so that now I can hear nothing but His beautiful melody of forgiveness and cleansing. He has torn down my walls of sin and stripped off my blindfold of fleshly desires to see His glory and perfection.

I truly am a woman of unclean lips among a people of unclean lips. (Is. 6) I cannot sit or stand in the presence of God without acknowledging my sinful estate (Lk. 5) and feeling the humiliation of my humanity and life choices. But PRAISE the One who paid MY DEBT, who raised His life (and mine) up from the dead! I will never fully realize or appreciate the sacrifice Christ made for me, because my mind cannot comprehend His untarnished grace, endless mercy, and perfect love.

As I was cleaning my room, I found a song I wrote about six years ago. I wrote it for my friend Kelly, little knowing how much it would speak to my recent situation as well.

Knock Me Down

She's crying, and I hear her dying for new life,
Relief from the torments of a broken heart;
Set her free, Lord, from this harsh captivity,
You said there's nothing we can't handle just as long as we -

Come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my weakest hour has come to me,
My greatest strength is when I get down on my knees.

Does it hurt You, Lord, when we like harlots go astray?
Time and time again we come back, bleeding from the play;
You set us free, Lord, from our self-inflicted shame,
Forgiving us for trampling on Your pure and blameless name -

We come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my filthy vices cripple me,
I am strongest when I get down on my knees.

You knock me down; You fill me up;
You break my heart; In You I trust;
You took my dirt and breathed it to life;
You still my soul e'en through my strife -

I come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And when I feel my independence betray me,
I get stronger just by falling on my knees.