Blending

I did not know what else to title this post, because I have yet to really know what I am about to write. It is going to be a lot of random thoughts, and you might not understand them all (or even any), but that is not my problem. =) That being said, here I go.

These past two days, I have done little else but unpack and set up my room. I have gone through - and still have yet to go through - journals, books, and memorabilia from my entire life until this point. Mostly, I am finding things from high school and college. I am not so much of a packrat that I still have things from elementary school - that would be my sister, Sara. Anyway, so I am finding all these things, and I am having to find places for them to fit in my room. I have outgrown a lot of things. Some things, while so important to me at the time of acquisition, have lost their usefulness or value. But mostly I am seeing the way I have evolved and changed in the past four years. It is bittersweet. However, through all of these years, one thing has remained the same - the God I serve.

My relationship with Him has experienced some dry and rocky places as well as oasisses (is that even a word?) and mountaintops. I have learned and experienced many things in the past four years, but one thing is becoming increasingly apparent to me - God has never been so close, tender, or real to me as He is here in this place surrounded by these people. I know God is with me wherever I go; I am not saying He was not with me while I was at school in Graceville. But here in Winter Haven, it seems His voice is so prevalent in my life. It is truly beautiful.

These past two years especially, He has been quiet. Because I was drowning Him out with my selfish behavior. There are no other words to describe my life as of late. But, He is the ultimate Redeemer and Healer. He has brought me low to look nowhere else but up. He has drowned out the voices of selfishness, lust, and debauchery in my life so that now I can hear nothing but His beautiful melody of forgiveness and cleansing. He has torn down my walls of sin and stripped off my blindfold of fleshly desires to see His glory and perfection.

I truly am a woman of unclean lips among a people of unclean lips. (Is. 6) I cannot sit or stand in the presence of God without acknowledging my sinful estate (Lk. 5) and feeling the humiliation of my humanity and life choices. But PRAISE the One who paid MY DEBT, who raised His life (and mine) up from the dead! I will never fully realize or appreciate the sacrifice Christ made for me, because my mind cannot comprehend His untarnished grace, endless mercy, and perfect love.

As I was cleaning my room, I found a song I wrote about six years ago. I wrote it for my friend Kelly, little knowing how much it would speak to my recent situation as well.

Knock Me Down

She's crying, and I hear her dying for new life,
Relief from the torments of a broken heart;
Set her free, Lord, from this harsh captivity,
You said there's nothing we can't handle just as long as we -

Come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my weakest hour has come to me,
My greatest strength is when I get down on my knees.

Does it hurt You, Lord, when we like harlots go astray?
Time and time again we come back, bleeding from the play;
You set us free, Lord, from our self-inflicted shame,
Forgiving us for trampling on Your pure and blameless name -

We come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And even though my filthy vices cripple me,
I am strongest when I get down on my knees.

You knock me down; You fill me up;
You break my heart; In You I trust;
You took my dirt and breathed it to life;
You still my soul e'en through my strife -

I come to You, crying for release;
I claw the air in screaming silence just to feel You breathe;
And when I feel my independence betray me,
I get stronger just by falling on my knees.

Moving Day!

Well, I'm officially snuggled up in my bed in my room for the first time in...at least 3 months. It feels soooo good! And just in case you missed the memo, my room flooded 2 months ago. A pipe burst in my wall. Good times. So my walls and floor had to be torn up and redone. Everything had to be painted. This past month has been the most nomadic month of my life. But the wait has been totally worth it!
I am now officially home for the summer - to God be the glory!
Now, on to more important things. I had a job interview today, and I will know by Monday whether or not I will get the job. $8 an hour to talk on the phone, basically. And it's scripted. Can't go wrong with that! There's only one drawback - I'll have to work Sundays. Like every Sunday from 1:30-9:30. Yes, be outraged; I know I am. But God knows what He's doing. And if He sees fit to give me this job, I am going to take it with thanks. I am going to allow myself no more than 5 minutes of pouting time each Sunday to detest the fact that I have to work, and then I will get over myself. Sounds fair, right? Right.
Well, my TV's talking to me right now. It's saying, "Christinaaaaaa, you know you want to watch a movie before you go to sleep...get off your computer and pop in a movie..." I just can't argue with this immaculate logic and cunning.
Goodnight, everyone!

Bowling After-Hours

I just went bowling with an incredibly entertaining group of people. I love them all. But I'm pretty sure the lanes were rigged. EVERY time we bowled a strike-worthy ball, there was this one pin on the right side of the lane that REFUSED to go down! It was infuriating! If not for that single rebel pin, our lane of five determined (and very talented) women would have dominated the lane of five lazy and unattractive boys next to us. Okay, so maybe they're not really that unattractive, but they are pretty lazy. Because they're guys - HELLO.
Anyway, so bowling. I bowled pretty decently aside from the fact that my spare success rate was about 1 in 5. GROSS! I think my favorite part of tonight was the mini competitions between people. Some of them were mutual (known by both parties), but some were just plain one-sided. I lost my one-sided competition, but the great part of that is the person whom I was competing against will NEVER KNOW he beat me - muahahahahaha!
Now I'm home watching "Whose Line is It Anyway?" This is a great show. I'm pretty sure besides Will Smith, Wayne Brady is the most attractive black celebrity I have ever seen. Probably because he's funny AND he can sing. Can I get an "amen"? Thank you, ladies out there with good taste.
I actually had a girl friend tell me the other day that I would be perfectly suited for a black man. I would just like to know why she would say that. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that all the cd's I was playing in her car were mixed especially by me and featured nothing but rap music. Or that I knew 80% of the words to the songs. Or that the only kind of dancing I'm good at begins with the word "booty." Or that Will Smith, Wayne Brady, and Denzel Washington make me swoon at times.
But that all means nothing.
Because I also like country music, and I think culturally, that should negate the fact that I like rap. I also know 100% of the words to Shania Twain's music, and I'm a big fan of "white girl dancing." If you don't know what that is, watch "Clueless." OH, and Paul Rudd, Gerard Butler, and Vince Vaughn are the three most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on. You can't get more white than that.
In conclusion, I am random. And if you've read this far, we should be friends. :-)

Past Versus Future...

Alright, so I've made mistakes. We all have. Right now, I feel like my life is one big fat in-between. I'm stuck between the past I want to move on from and the future I'm trying to allow God to shape. But the dilemma is this - what do I take from my past into my future, and what do I leave behind as meaningless folly? God is challenging me. The choices I make now, the changes I implement in my life, could allow for a beautiful life of service to God. I want to be UNlike Lot's wife who turned into a pillar of salt for looking at what had been. I just want to please God.

Tonight in church was an AWEful night of worship. I could not stop thanking God with every beat of my heart and every breath of my body. Communion is a wonderful way to reflect on the SACRIFICE God made for MY life. Inconceivable love! These are just a few of the hymns we sang tonight, so rich and rife with the truth of who God is.

"When I stand in Glory, I will see Your face;
Then I'll sing Your praise FOREVER in that holy place -
Thank you, oh my Father, for giving us Your Son,
And leaving Your Spirit 'til the work on Earth is done!"

"Guilty, vile, and helpless we,
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
Full atonement! Can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!"

"See, from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down;
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?"

"Amazing grace, perfect love,
Washing me in a crimson flood -
Flowing down from my wounded King -
This changes everything.
Here I am, save me;
Here I am, change me;
Here I am, mend me;
Here I am,
send me."

"You knew darkness that I might know light;
Wept great tears that mine might be dried..."

How DEEP is the Father's love for US! This truth is fundamentally astounding to me! It is the truth that I REST my HOPE in. It is the LOVE I close my eyes singing to. It is the PURPOSE I build my life around. All else is completely meaningless. So why should I do anything less than wonder at His gift to me? And cast aside all things which hinder me from following Him full-speed. How hard, but how rewarding. He deserves NOTHING less.

Chick Flicks and Half Baked

So I have decided that there are only certain times when watching a chick flick is a good idea. Following are my stipulations:

1. When you are with a friend - It is better to watch a movie where the perfect guy falls for a not-so-perfect girl and rescues her from her imperfect life when you have someone else there. Preferably someone who you can mourn with over the fact that those kind of men don't really exist. And someone who can appreciate the romantic moments and overlook the lack of sophisticated plot. Don't get me wrong, I love chick flicks. Just not when I'm watching them by myself.

2. When you've had a really bad day - This can be connected with woman problems (of the monthly variety) or just when a guy has made you feel like you want to punch every man with a ... well, every man. There's something about seeing a good-looking man with his shirt off who both looks good and is truly sensitive to the needs of a woman that can turn any girl's bad day into a better one.

3. Only when you have Ben & Jerry's Half Baked to accompany it - Enough said. Chocolate makes everything better, and pint-size ice cream makes the world go around, so Half Baked is the perfect marriage of both.

That being said, there are also certain times when a chick flick is a bad idea.

1. When there are guys around - Unless the guy can also be utilized as a shopping buddy, or he owes you one because he picked an action movie the last time you watched a movie together, it is usually not a good idea to make a guy sit through a chick flick. He just won't be able to appreciate the qualities which comprise a truly wonderful romantic comedy.

2. When you're having relationship problems - Going through a rough patch with your boyfriend and having to watch a movie where the guy says all the right things at the right times is not a good combination. This can only make you more unhappy with your current choice of a romantic attachment.

3. If there is no Ben & Jerry's to be had - That is all I can say about this particular point. Although, Sparkling Grape Juice is a wonderful alternative, but only when used in the direst of emergencies.

I'm sure there are more do's and don'ts of watching a chick flick, but I cannot think of them right now. Until later, grab your best friend and some Half Baked, and pop in your favorite romantic comedy - the night is young!